The fear I was feeling was not new to me. Waking up, I can see, feel and fear a memory that washed over my dreams creating a scene that I can see and relive. I move to the bathroom to wash my face with cold water. The dream memory starts to fade. I pick up my notebook and pen. I needed to capture it before it totally faded away to only an undefined fear.

My mind tries to erase the details which I have captured on paper.  The experience is one that has repeated many times. Each one is different. It can be recent or distant memory. The common thread is that it’s always vivid and chases away any random dream sequence. The memories are not ones I can recall during my waking hours.

I go back to my notebook to read my notes later in the day. The review can sometimes bring back recollections. Thoughts that are not complete. I review all notes once a week. Some memories come into focus. These memories come back to me with a full recall. It can be a slow awakening or forceful feeling of warmth or cold clammy felling. Each occasion opens the possibility to rue decisions, a friendship, intimate moment, a missed opportunity to help…

Many of my memories have faded leaving only impressions. I sometimes can hear a song that reminds me of a time in life which was happy, sad, excited with new feelings… These events seem to have another quality to them, intensity.  Feelings either bath me with a mild wonderment or deep reactive feelings.  The breakup with Liz after listening to amateur psych students analyzing my relationship. It is a situation I must take the blame for being such a jerk. The memory of my sister falling from my parents’ car at the age of 7.

Memories ebb and flow from the recesses of my mind’s existence. It’s like seeing waves on the ocean. Given enough distance, waves can look small and flat.

When you get closer waves, they can be much larger and more impactful. Just like memories that fade further into the past which can when recalled turn painful.

If the sum total of each person’s life is their memories and the memories they create in others, the waves that represent each memory should be recalled and reinforced. The past should be reviewed to learn new lessons and put relationships in perspective. The knowledge can be a basis for improving our future experiences that have yet to wash over us. We can interact openly with others where we are more open to acceptance and can leave our differences behind.

Today and past eras have brought logical and physical divides in what we interpret what is right or wrong. We can and should use our past to better see the possibilities not the possibility to defeat our enemies. There will always be those that will not open up to change or believe in the lesser side of each person they meet. Our memories are our experiments in life, some worked well and others not so much.

We need not be afraid of those memories that generate fear. These can teach us how to better pass on our knowledge to friends, enemies and children. The life experiences are not all pleasant but can be beneficial to us and others.

Let the waves of memories wash over you and welcome each chance to learn more about yourself. Each wave will allow and force you to be able to accept yourself to being faulty and able to change.

(Image by Michal Jarmoluk from Pixabay)