Have you ever tried it all?

As you sit in your pit of despair,

Wishing for the air,

Wishing for a light to guide you where you want to go?

What you want to do?

Well for me,

It’s simple.

I want to be good enough.

I want my family to see me as good enough,

Whether that takes me years of grinding bone to dust,

Of playing the violin,

Or hours of losing sleep,

To studying and writing good enough pieces,

Or working my hand and arm till it’s screaming with bloodlust,

To make good enough art.

Whether it’s making you proud enough,

Where I pierce my hands with a needle,

Trying to sew the right clothes,

Or create the right embroidery.

Where I sweat the water I don’t have,

To run with you just to see you smile,

Because I am doing something you love.

Or not holding it in enough,

As to where I distract you from what’s important,

So I shut it down.

Or I don’t have a good enough memory,

So, I’ll carve it into my brain cells.

And then,

I want my friends to see me as good enough.

Whether it takes me hours of listening to what you have to say,

To be on your page.

Or taking the hit,

When I’m already breaking bones,

And my soul,

Or because I’m not smart enough.

So I’ll study all night,

Just to have you see me as the same.

Or maybe I’m not right enough,

So I’ll torture my face enough as to where it is.

Or maybe I’m not strong enough,

So I’ll make my muscles rot and burn and beg for mercy.

Or maybe I don’t care enough,

So I’ll force myself to remember every little thing and trigger my mind to ask questions.

And then,

I want the world to see me as good enough.

Whether it takes stunts of horrific pain,

Or crowd-pleasing looks,

Or acting like everybody wants,

Or blending in.

And then,

I want to be what I want.

But I can’t be what I want.

Because what I want is to be something somebody looks at and thinks;

“That’s right.”

Or,

“I’m proud of them.”

But then again…

I have dreams too,

That wouldn’t please the people around me,

Like I want to.

That wouldn’t make them look over and say,

“They did everything just the right way.”

And,

“They are something everybody should be amazed by.”

What I want,

Won’t make my family anymore proud,

Won’t make my friends anymore proud,

Won’t make the world anymore proud,

And,

Won’t make me anymore proud.

Because I’ll be left with the fact,

That I wasn’t good enough to make them pay attention,

Or think I’m cool,

Or think I’m such a great person.

All because I’m not good enough for them,

All because I’m not getting all the money,

Or holding out the family name,

Or writing the right poems or books,

Or drawing in the right styles,

Or playing the right melodies,

Or feeling the right emotions,

Or having the right strength,

Or thinking the right way,

Or any of it.

But,

When it comes down to it,

It’s simple.

I just want to be good enough.

But I have to many desires,

And to much weight,

To make everyone happy.

And if I ever did,

It wouldn’t really make me any happier.

Sure, I got to see you smile.

And I enjoyed the moment.

But I’m tired,

And used up,

And broken now.

And I never got to do what I wanted,

Because I was too worried about you.

And being good enough,

To please your standards.

And in the end,

I never even got close enough to your standards,

And to your hopes and dreams.

Because,

I was never good enough for you.

I wrote this piece in hopes to explain a struggle I have been facing for quite some time. That was being good enough for others. I always wanted to do the things my family thought were awesome, especially specific members, so I could see just how proud I was to them. But with one win came another loss. As I struggled along to get good enough to match their standards for “good enough” I never really reached it. I wanted to do great things just to see how amazed they would be by me, which in turn would make me feel like I wasn’t such a mistake, that I wasn’t just another body in the room, that wasn’t just taking up space, but I never got to that point. Variations of course, but not the whole goal. And then, there were my new friends who in my head I think they think very little of me. Nothing more than an unintelligent scrap of meat who only supports and sits there. From this stress and weight I had on my shoulders to be good enough came a lot of mental strain and I still haven’t covered everything that I should be doing better, but over time, with my friends, I came better to get used to it, because I found out one didn’t think of me that way. I’m sure the others don’t either, I’m sure it’s just a coax, but it still can hurt, though I’m getting used to dealing with it and finding my own way out. And then came down to the part where I wasn’t good enough for the person I really, truly liked, because in the end they simply put the fact they liked another person better. And then of course, the strain of society. Don’t mess up, blend in, be perfect. Yeah, still to this day, can’t figure that one out. I can’t be another person. I can’t change myself. I can’t take the weight of a family name. I can only be me. So darling, be yourself, don’t try to match what others lay out for you. It’s still a struggle for me, I’m still trying to get over it, but that’s all I have to say for now. Hope this made sense enough. (:     -Lily Rae-