Drying herself with a towel, Penelope calls to her husband still lying in bed. “Honey, would you get my robe?”

“It’s hanging right there on the peg?” Howard replies.

“That one’s in the wash. I want the green one.”

“Yes, dear.” Howard returns and wraps Penelope in the robe.

“And would you be a dear and get my slippers.”

They, too, were in the closet, and he returns a moment later placing them at her feet.

“Not those, Howard. The ones with the gold tassels.”

“But these were the ones you wore yesterday.”

“Yes, but the orange ones don’t go with green.”

Penelope owned 27 pair of slippers and 134 pair of shoes. Dutiful Howard returns feeling like a basset hound.

Penelope steps into the fuzzy slippers. “It’s time to start breakfast now,” she says.

“Eggs Benedict?”

“You know that’s what I always want.”

With whimsical Penelope, Howard never really knew what she wanted, and it was becoming a problem. “Well, maybe you want to change. Today is a new day.”

And it was a new day. Their driver would take them to Tiffany’s where they would pick out a pair of sapphire earrings for their upcoming anniversary. Penelope always liked to pick out her presents, and Howard knew she’d never be satisfied with anything that he might pick.

Indeed it took all morning. Penelope would like the style and the setting, but not the quality of the stones. She kept a loupe in her clutch purse, and so she had become an expert at evaluating gemstones. Of course, if the gems met her quality standards, there was something wrong with the setting, or the clasp was annoying, or the person behind the counter wasn’t fast enough.

They might’ve special ordered, but patience was not Penelope’s strongest virtue. So she tried on everything and stood by the window with a mirror to catch the daylight. “What do you think?”

Howard wanted to tell her they made her look fat.  “Wonderful, darling.” That’s what came out, for there was no other answer.

Sometime after midday, she decided on a pair which the clerk wrapped and placed in a Tiffany’s bag for Howard.

The driver then drove them around the block to their favorite Manhattan restaurant. They both ordered NY strip, but Penelope had to send hers back. After spitting her first mouthful onto her fork, she asked Howard to flag the waiter. She twisted her face when he arrived: “It’s full of gristle.”

The waiter said he’d bring her another. In the interim, he served them their pea soup. Penelope loved pea soup, so Howard thought it a fitting time to tender the earrings. “I love you my dear,” he said.

She immediately put them on and turned her head side to side waiting for a comment.

“They look wonderful on you.”

Of course, her second steak also had gristle, so the pea soup and earrings were the high point of their meal. On the walk to the limo, Penelope texted the driver, then turned to Howard. “We need more spice in our lives, so I also have a surprise for you.”

The driver stopped in front of a mattress showroom. Tony, the sales guy, was accommodating, for the couple seemed truly interested even if they struggled to decide. Unlike selling cars, with mattresses you always want the couple to try the least expensive mattress first so they can fully comprehend why it’s so important not to crimp on comfort. Of course, Penelope was a mattress expert, too.

Together, she and Howard laid on all 37 mattresses in the showroom including the top of the line. However, she still wasn’t satisfied.

Tony was undeterred. His numerous sales awards adorned the walls. For him, it was a challenge. He noticed their limo driver polishing the fender. The couple had obviously been married a while and money was not an issue. He called the clerk, who wheeled out another top-of-the-line mattress from the back.

“This is going to be all the rage. You’ll make other couples jealous, but I think you’ll agree that this double configuration will be the most comfortable mattress you will ever experience.”

Tony and the clerk placed the mattress on top of the first top-of-the-line mattress and fitted it with the best mattress topper on top.

Howard and Penelope hopped up. “I’ve landed on a cloud!”

Penelope wasn’t so sure. So another top-of-the line mattress was wheeled from the back.

“You’re going to leave here today satisfied, and you’re going to tell all your friends about us.”

Penelope reluctantly acknowledged marginal improvement but insisted they bring another mattress. They did, and another, and another along with a stepladder. The mattresses were now stacked a few feet from the showroom ceiling. After some silent reflection, Penelope declared it “just right.”

Fortunately, the couple’s master bedroom featured a cathedral ceiling. And fortunately, there was enough clearance below the blades of the fan to avoid danger from decapitation should either of them awake from a nightmare.

Still there was the fear of falling. Penelope was fine with the height, but Howard hated climbing the ladder and soon started to experience strange dreams. As he dozed off, he wondered why he endured her antics. After all, he was a successful Wall Street executive. Penelope had been a debutante, but no amount of her father’s money could compensate for her fragile personality.

At 4:29 a.m. Friday, Howard finds himself standing in the doorway of a plane at 5,000 feet. As he surveys the rolling landscape, his adrenaline soars. “Jump!” The flight instructor says, “Jump!” A boot shoves him from behind. Wind whistles in his face. He pulls the parachute and expects the tug from above. But nothing. He scrambles for the reserve chute. Again nothing.

A breath escapes his lungs as he hits the bedroom floor. He decides it’s safer not to attempt the ladder. He tosses and turns all night, and arrives at the supermarket when it opens, still achy.

When Penelope finally awakens at 10:30 a.m., she calls for Howard to help her out of bed. “My back hurts, Oooh-ooohh, it’s terrible,” she moans.

“Of course, it does,” he says crumpling a bag of dried peas. “I’m not a prince, and I never wanted to marry a princess. Today’s a new day, Penelope. I’m divorcing you.”

Spill photo by JJ Jordan on Unsplash