Lately, I’ve been investigating the Jack and Jane (and Jill) incident. That’s right, Jack and Jane. I’ll explain later. I’ve gone through thousands of pages of manuscripts and arrest records. I’ve interviewed everyone who had knowledge of this crime.  Here is my report:

In a small town, I won’t name to protect the innocent, lived a young man named Jack. Jack was the heartthrob of every girl in town.  He was also the go-to-man for the town, a Jack of all trades so to speak, and that’s why he was always the one they called upon to go “up the hill to fetch a pail of water.” One day, when Jack was commissioned by the town to fetch water, he set out to traverse the large hill once more.  A young lady named Jane caught up with Jack and asked to go up the hill with him. No one knew, but earlier that day Jane set a trap for Jack so he would trip, sprain his ankle, and she’d have him all to herself. Sadly, cameras had not yet been invented and nobody could prove that theory.

When Jack and Jane reached the top of the hill, Jack’s love interest, Jill, was waiting. She had hoped that Jack would be scaling that massive hill alone.  Well, as you may recall, “Jack fell down and broke his crown.” Immediately, Jill accused Jane of being responsible and subsequently Jane pushed Jill down the hill, which explains the assertion that “Jill came tumbling after – nearly smacking her crown on a rock.”  At any rate, as I mentioned earlier, cameras had not yet been invented, but a passerby captured the altercation on a cell phone.  (I know, that confused me, too.)

Jill was okay, though, and Jane was arrested and charged with “attempted crown breaking,” apparently a common crime back then.  Jane was sentenced to be “kept very well” in some sort of pumpkin shell prison, operated by an independent contractor named Peter Peters, a pumpkin eater.

Of course, Jack and Jill lived happily a little while after… then divorced. Jack became very successful. He established the first public water company, invented water balloons, and maybe the internet. But, his greatest accomplishment was opening a rather successful whiskey distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Jill, unfortunately, didn’t fare as well. She was accused of dressing in a Red Riding Hood and attempting to defraud several grandmothers in the area. She was arrested along with her co-conspirator, the Big Bad Wolfe. He had recently broken out of pumpkin shell prison where he was serving time for attempted break-ins at the residences of the three little Pig brothers. Note: The hole in the pumpkin shell prison was repaired, as you probably guessed, with a pumpkin patch.

I hope I’ve cleared up any misunderstanding about this very disturbing historical event. We can now talk about it without being told: “You don’t know Jack!” And, one more thing, who drills a water well on the top of a hill, instead of at the bottom?

Photo image by Public Domain – AbbythePup