Carl and Laura have been married for enough years to raise two children, 3 dogs and five cats. The kids are gone and on their own. The house is the one they bought in 1988 and added three modifications. Carl was comfortable and Laura was antsy. She wanted some changes which involved Carl and possibly a downsize. Carl was happy with the status quo and refused any change that would not include his workshop and boat storage.
Carl is sitting at the island in the kitchen, Laura is away running errands. He reads the sheets of paper Laura left for him. It is titled New Year’s resolutions for Carl. Carl was shaking his head with a dour look. She had drawn up thirty some items. They include multiple items in areas like personal habits dealing with clothing, abandon dishes and general messes left to Laura clean. There were several dealing with house projects, health related issues (weight, cholesterol, blood pressure and so on) and a plan for downsizing. He turns the papers over putting his coffee cup on top of them. Carl was not happy with what Laura wanted from him.
Laura is having coffee with her friend Edna. “ I wrote Carl a set of New Year’s resolutions today. I told him to review them. I also told him we are going to put plans in place to do them later this week.” “Laura, how many resolutions did you list?” “Thirty-three.” “Do you really think Carl is going buy in on all of them?” “No but he doesn’t know that. I am looking for at least 5 maybe 7.” “Do you have copy with you?” “Yes, here read it yourself.” Edna reads the list. Her comments ranged from woohoo to oh my gosh! “Good luck getting 2 items on the list, let alone getting any done.” “You’re right, but I have to try!”
Carl is busy at his PC typing in a set of resolutions for Laura. He is on a mission to show her how silly her New Year’s resolution thing is. He is up to 22 items. He stops and prints the results. Laura is due back mid-afternoon. “Carl, I am home.” Carl doesn’t answer. There is a note on the counter. “Laura, Larry needed help with his new TV, should be back by 4. There is a list of New Year’s resolutions for you in the printer. We can discuss them when I get back.”
Laura turns on the electric tea kettle. She goes into the office to retrieve Carl’s resolutions for her. Once the kettle was hot and the tea submerged in a hot bath in her favorite cup, she sits at the kitchen island. She shakes her head while moving from item 1 to 2. Then chuckles when she reaches item 10. The final item is the one that catches her off guard. “Well, this is an interesting list. We should have fun in the back and forth.”
Carl arrives home around 4 o’clock. She prepares an iced tea for Carl. She invites him to sit down at the kitchen nook table. “I have read your list for me. Have you read mine for you?” “Yes, very interesting and totally unexpected I must say. I am betting you don’t really expect me to buy into all of them. I am guessing you are hoping I accept at least 5. Am I right?”
“Carl, I have read your list for me and I am betting that you expected me not to accept any. Am I right?” Carl and Laura face off with each other. They both work hard on their best poker face. “Carl, I made my list with your best interests. You can start by reviewing my list out loud. I won’t stop you until you’re done.” “Laura, I will give you all the health items but I think losing 90 lbs. that’s a little much as I only weigh 233 lbs. now.
The downsizing one- that is not negotiable; I refuse to give up my workshop or boat storage! And I’ll have you know I have already improved my clothing pick up this year. I know I have not been perfect but I am improving! As for dishes left around the house, you beat me to it before I can even get to bringing dishes back to be washed! Home projects, you know I am waiting for parts to finish the commode in the guest room. The back porch railing, I will be getting back to that very soon.” Carl sits back.
“Okay, let’s start with the weight. The last time you weighed in at 233. You were 4 years younger and that was April 1, 2019 as listed on the results of your 6 month’s checkup. The last checkup your weight was 233 on the print out but it was whited out and over typed with 233. I scratched off the white out and can see the original was really 251. I have to admit your blood pressure has come down from 158/90 to 151/85, that as they say in the polling industry is “within the margin of error.” The boat storage is a requirement? You sold your boat last year. You also said you were glad to get rid of it. Okay the workshop is more reasonable but the last time you built anything out there was to build a bird house for the kid’s scout projects. I also challenge you to find anything in there in less than 3 hours. House projects? The ones you referenced have been in progress since June of last year! I don’t believe you actually ordered any parts as of today. Time is right to finish them! The dishes would have mold on them if I waited for you to bring them back. Clothing? Your underwear drawer has to be empty before you move the pile to the laundry room. Now the biggie, we don’t need a house this big. We can put the kids up in a hotel when they visit. I need to reduce my workload as I want to do things like pickle ball and golf.”
Carl was losing his poker face and was reduced to “Uh Uh.” “Okay Carl, let’s go through my list from you. I see six items that benefit you but not me. I am willing to provide the address of a local bakery that would give you many choices. I am not giving you a foot massage two times a week! I will not serve dinner in a scanty French waitress uniform every Sunday! Maybe once a quarter. Now, let’s discus lingerie, I am in for spicing up our intimate time but I draw the line at whips and chains. As for boys’ nights out, you fall asleep by 9:30 most days. You would be limited to winter times to be out at night. Carl raises his hands yelling, “I give up! I give up! Do I have to sign the list in blood? I’ll get a knife you get the band aids.” “No Carl, I have a pen with red ink. I don’t want to take you to the ER!”
So, the morale of this story? It’s not worth the fight, maybe she will forget?
