Weddings today have gotten totally out of hand. When I got married (over 40 years ago!), we didn’t have bachelor and bachelorette weekends or multi-day, destination weddings. My cousin hosted a wedding shower in her backyard, and my parents splurged to throw a reception at a local venue with a DJ. Our honeymoon was a week at a motel in Nags Head, the most we could afford just out of graduate school.

Today, young people hold events for a year before the big day, often at quite an expense to them and those they invite—engagement parties in Napa Valley, bachelorette escapes to Niagara Falls, or showers at the Ritz Carlton. Weddings are now multi-day affairs. The actual ceremony takes place on one day, of course, but because guests are coming from out of town, the hosts entertain the invitees at gatherings held on days before (a brewery or bar for mingling) and after the event (brunch). After all, since guests are flying in to attend your wedding in Banff, Canada and paying several hundred dollars for a hotel room at the Fairmont, you must treat them well.

But why blow all your money on a big wedding? The average cost per plate now ranges between $150-$200. Much depends on the location and venue, the type and complexity of the cuisine, how it is served (buffet or plated), and whether you have an open bar with top-shelf liquors. But figure on spending a year’s salary once everything is added up.

Sometimes the wording of the menu alone can add dollars to the cost. Do you offer steak and fish or “cast iron-seared filet mignon” and “bourbon-glazed Akura salmon”? Fancy adjectives add ten dollars to each plate; if those descriptions are in French, tack on another five. (Haricot verts sound fancy, but you’re just getting plain ol’ string beans.) Add to that a band or DJ, the photographer and videographer, flowers for the tables and bridesmaids, gifts for the wedding party, hotel accommodations…cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. Wouldn’t all that money for a day or weekend of festivities be better invested in a new home? Or your future children’s education?   (Today’s cost of a college education is a subject for another day.)

And think about the stress? Sure, you can hire a wedding planner (another cost), but the more you invest, the more the day must be perfect. You have to be perfect. And that means getting up at o’dark thirty to have your hair and make-up done for the “big reveal.”  This also is something that has become popular over the past decade—the groom sees the bride in her gown before the nuptials so that pictures can be taken all afternoon on stone bridges, sandy beaches, or abandoned railroad tracks around town. My son and his wife hired a tram to take the wedding party to some stony outcrop among the mansions in Newport, Road Island. One of the groomsmen almost broke his ankle, but hey, they got several thousand great photos, most of which are taking up space somewhere in my hard drive.

Don’t get me started on fog machines. These are often used during the newlyweds’ first dance to give the effect of “dancing on a cloud.”  If done right, it can look dreamy, but it could also cause you or your asthmatic guests to have a coughing fit, which would have an adverse effect on the image you hoped to create. I also once saw these machines emit what appeared to be giant sparklers around the dance floor’s perimeter. One tipsy man paying homage to the flames had to be steered back to his seat, lest his tux catch fire.

Another problem with big weddings is that you are often obligated to invite relatives you hardly know or see any more. Your parents feel compelled to reciprocate for the one they attended several years earlier at the invitation of some obnoxious uncle they’ve since defriended on Facebook. Unless you are footing the bill (and sometimes even if you are), this can mean fewer of your friends and work colleagues.

A small, more intimate affair would allow you to limit the guest list to only those people who are most important to you. My niece and nephew had small ceremonies, one in my sister’s backyard and the other at a local park overlooking a lake. Decorate a rustic pergola with wisteria, drape the ceiling of a gazebo with white sheers, and sprinkle around some twinkly lights, and you’ve got a romantic and memorable atmosphere for tying the knot.

Finally, I have made an admittedly unscientific observation that there is an inverse relationship between the extravagance of a wedding and the long-term happiness of the couple. Sadly, in at least three lavish affairs to which I was privy, the couples were divorced within a year. So, keep it simple and focus instead on each other and the commitment you are making before God and your closest family and friends. Or better yet, elope.

Invest in Your Marriage by Investing in Your Wedding

Mom, picture this at my wedding: Just as the guests are tasting their decadent gâteau au chocolat (aka chocolate cake), the band plays “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire.  Feet are tapping from the older crowd.  Nearing the outro, the DJ, conveniently placed on the other side of the dance floor, starts playing a remixed electronic version of “September,” perhaps adding in beats from Usher’s 2010 hit “DJ Got Us Falling In Love.”  Heads are now bobbing from the younger crowd.  The band starts up again, this time nailing another wedding classic: Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.”  But again, as the outro sets in, the DJ twists the oldie by adding in some boy band magic for the Millennials.  By now, everyone is on the dance floor.  Mom: this is why we need both a band and a DJ to battle!

Now I know you’re thinking this is a little unnecessary for a wedding.  Trust me, as a lawyer, I know that a wedding and reception are not actually legally necessary to tie the knot.  But I do know that there is some psychology to support the idea that people generally care about the things they invest in.  So why not invest in the only day (hopefully) that celebrates this forever matrimony? Not to mention there are few moments in life where one gets to be the center of attention, surrounded by family and friends.  A wedding is one of them.

This is exactly why we need professional photographers and a video crew to memorialize these once-in-a-lifetime moments.  And no, the photos aren’t going to just sit in a hard drive somewhere, they will be posted on Instagram for all the world to admire (envious colleagues, high school friends, and old flings included).  And yes, with high-resolution photos comes the need for stylists and make-up artists to mask the stress blemishes and to lay on waterproof foundation that will withstand the countless happy tears shed when personalized vows are read.

Let’s also not forget what this day means for you, Mom.  This is your celebration too—your big day to finally get me off the Verizon family plan.  If that isn’t a monetary return on investment, I don’t know what is.

We must also invest in the guests.  Rarely in 2024 do people live in the town that they grew up in or in the same town as most of their family and friends.  It is inevitable that guests will be traveling overnight, purchasing airfare, hotels, and using paid leave from work.  I’ve been to weddings in backyards, castles, islands, museums, and resorts.  A friend of mine recently went to a cheap farm wedding where she and her husband spent the night in a yurt and had to use communal bathrooms.  You don’t want your guests to sink their heels in a soggy field or step in cow dung.

Most people don’t really care where the wedding is because they recognize they’ll have to travel regardless; it just better be worth their time and expense—entertain them!  Guests want something worth posting about.  Some of my favorite weddings included an F-16 Fighting Falcon ice sculpture from which guests took vodka shots, indoor fireworks during the first dance, a 28-flavor ice cream bar, luxury Audis the guests could drive, and a bowtie-wearing pug that doubled as a charming ring bearer.

So yeah, if I want a battle of the bands, to ride into my ceremony on a white horse, choreograph a dance with my bridesmaids, or give my vows in a haze of dry ice, at least the guests will feel like they got some bang for their buck.

And I hear you, Mom, “The money is better spent investing in a house or your future children’s college education!”  And you’re exactly right, my money should get a better return on investment elsewhere. That’s why I’ll give you a traditional wedding in at least one sense:  As my mother, you can pay for it!