Let’s celebrate the humor of our multi-faceted cultural heritage. As Americans, we are a diverse combination of races and ethnicities. A look at our DNA or genealogical chart will show we descend from a myriad of ancestors who resided on almost every continent of Earth. As a child, my parents said that we must not talk about anyone in a negative manner because we are all related. Yes, we are part of one huge human family.
Life is short; don’t forget to laugh at our amusing stereotypes and idiosyncrasies. Live to laugh about life and spread the humor and foolishness free of charge . . . and laugh while you still have teeth.
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Transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
* * *
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, and Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land. The leader of the captors said, “We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot each of you in turn. But first, you can make a final wish.” The Englishman responded, “I’d like to hear ‘God Save The Queen’ just one more time to remind me of home, played by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers dancing to the tune.”
The Irishman replied, “I’d like to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of home, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”
The Welshman answered, “I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ just one more time to remind me of home, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.”
The Scotsman said, “I’d like to be shot first.”
* * *
Norse Vikings raided the royal French cheese supply and left nothing behind but de Brie.
* * *
Overheard comment: “It’s sad when nothing is made in America anymore. I just bought a new TV and it said: ‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’. I don’t even know where that is!”
* * *
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office:
Brunette: Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Doctor: Please, tell me your symptoms.
Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere.
Doctor: (after looking at her for a second): Are you a natural blonde?
Brunette: Why, yes!
Doctor: Your finger is broken.
* * *
An Eastern European immigrant was taking an eye test at the DMV to get a driver’s license. The examiner showed him the following letters CZEKHOWIXRYK and asked if the immigrant could read them. The immigrant replied, “Read them? I know this guy!”
* * *
An African American man was telling his grandchildren about how poor his family was when he was growing up. He said, “Our house was so small, when I threw a rock through the window, it hit everyone in the house.”
* * *
A man overheard the conversation of two middle-aged Hispanic sisters:
First sister, “Aging gracefully is a nice way of your saying I’m slowly looking worse.”
Second sister, “Well, at least you aren’t aging like me. I’m getting older and wider instead of older and wiser.”
* * *
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement but before being locked up alone, each is to be granted a year’s supply of his choice to help him through his long sentence.
The Scotsman asks for whisky, the Irishman asks for Guinness, and the Englishman asks for cigarettes. One year later, the cell doors are unlocked. The Scotsman staggers out, shouts, “I’m free!” and drops dead from alcohol poisoning. The Irishman is dragged out of his cell and promptly dies of liver failure. When the door to the Englishman’s cell is opened, the guards are eager to see his anticipated wrecked condition. The Englishman walks out, sidles up to the first person he sees, and blurts out, “I say, you wouldn’t happen to have a match, would you?”
* * *
Two Italian boys were tossing insults back and forth one hot afternoon. One boy said to the other, “Your momma’s cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.
* * *
A man asks another man: “What’s the best thing about Switzerland?” The second man replies: “I don’t know but the flag is a big plus.”
* * *
U.S. customer at the farmer’s market: “Two pounds of tomatoes, please.”
German Farmer: “That’s called a kilo.”
U.S. customer: “When did you stop calling it tomatoes?”
* * *
Three men were on holiday together and went out fishing in a rental boat on a lake.
“This is a terrific spot for fishing,” said the Spaniard, “but how will we know where this spot is tomorrow when we return for another day of fishing?”
“I’ve thought of that,” said the Belgian. “I’ve just put a mark on the side of the boat.”
“You idiot,” said the Swede. “How do you know we will get this boat tomorrow?”
* * *
When asked by a tourist why there are pyramids in Egypt, the Egyptian tour guide replied, “They were too heavy to steal and put in the British Museum.”
* * *
I was surprised to learn Elon Musk was born in South Africa. I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car.
* * *
A nice Scottish lad moved to New York City. After a few weeks, his mom called him, and she asked how he liked the Americans.
“Horrible,” he said. “They always yell and scream, and I hate how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors.”
“Oh, laddie!” She replied, “How do you get by?”
“I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes,” said the lad.
* * *
An old Southern preacher got up to read the text of the sermon on third Sunday morning.
“Hebrews, chapter 1:3,” he said. “Now women, you know it’s a sin for you to make coffee.”
Surprised, the church congregation commenced to mumble.
“Yes, indeed,” the old preacher said. “The Bible says he brews, not she brews.”
* * *
A German teacher asked the class: “Where was the peace treaty of 1806 signed?”
Little Fritz replied: “Bottom right!”
* * *
Why did Native Americans hate spring? Because April showers brought the Mayflower.
* * *
Two American gangsters from Detroit arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter didn’t know if he should let them in since he’d never seen any gangsters arrive before from Detroit. So, he told the Detroit guys to wait a second, and St. Peter went to ask God what to do.
“Go let them in,” God answered.
St. Peter came back a few minutes later and told God, “They are gone!”
God said, “The guys from Detroit are gone?”
St. Peter replied, “No, the Pearly Gates.”
April Fools!
