Take a Ride With Jake

Watch out for Jake.


Charles Bins, Brunswick Forest

JAKE: To tell ya the truth, it scares me a little. People move just too-o damn slow. They like to 

make you wait, then they eat your time like an all-day sucker. You wait in line for groceries, for

customer service, for somebody to pick up the phone. The government’s the worst. They don’t

even answer — and my beard’s growing to my knees waitin’ for my tax refund.


Outta my way, Mac. I’ll drive you through those Golden Arches!… See that?


Don’t these people know I gotta get where I’m going? I make my money, and I have a right to

spend it how I want. But time’s a-wasting, people. Ya just gotta put the pedal to the metal….

Now move, ya old buzzard. Trade it in for a wheelchair! HONK! …


Can you believe this? –A U-Haul in the left lane? Get back. Slugs and suckers over there…

Seems to me slow is spreading like jam on toast. Some places may be thicker, but it’s

everywhere, and it gets messy.


If you don’t move sister, I’m going around. Vroom right, vroom left. Now eat my exhaust!

Watch this…


Hey, baby cheeks. Who bought you that fancy minivan? Rich bitch with the squealing kids in the

back, I’m cutting you off. –And your bumper can kiss mine… See that?


Everyone and everything is slow. Even fast food. The only thing moving fast is the price of gas.

Drives me to drink… Oh, look at this moron…


You left your left blinker on. –Now hard left into the guardrail. HONK!


Idiots always look better in my mirror.


OK, Let me by you, ya fat pig! Ready for the market? I’m FIRST. Now get over. HONK!


Jake screeches into a space in front of the ABC store. He waits an eternity for the cashier but

figures he can still make it if he hurries. He emerges with a liter of JD, ready to race to the beach.


And…he gets there just in time…


The next day at work, Jake swears to anyone who’ll listen that the reds and oranges across the

sky made it the best sunset he’d ever seen.