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How to Kill the Monster Under Your Bed


This article was originally published on We Are  ( Republished with permission as part of Teen Scene, Inc.’s international student voice partnership.


The Ibis (Satire)

Since the dawn of time, the noble 10-year-olds have been plunged into an eternal conflict with the monsters that live underneath their beds. Until recently this conflict was viewed as mostly a personal plight, with children needing to overcome their monster to prove themselves as a “big boy and/or girl”, this was all changed when the A.M.S ( Australian monster specialists) gained intel through interrogation of captured monster “redacted”, detailing Monster Inc’s formal alliance formed with China in June 2016. This discovery has led to all Monsters Under the Beds being declared as national threats.

This article details how to properly deal with these threats to our nation.

What you will need

A majority of these resources will be available through your monster kit, if you suspect that you may be dealing with a monster IMMEDIATELY ask your parents for your monster kit and they will provide you with the necessary items.

  1. Big boy and/or girl certificate: as this has become a matter of national security, the Australian government has opted to provide certification as a big boy and/or girl to anyone who is dealing with their monster, not only to aid them in fending it off but also just as a reward for being so brave.
  2. A nightlight: everyone knows that monsters can only come out when it is dark, so if you have a nightlight their power will be severely limited!
  3. Pyjamas: you need to be nice and cozy to sleep and be ready for bed, pyjamas also act as armour protecting the monster from effectively attacking you, acting similarly to the shielding effect of your blankets that block the monster’s abilities
  4. Your favourite stuffed toy: your stuffed toy will act as backup, being able to help out if you feel as if the monster is too overwhelming to fight on your own.

The process

First of all, you need to be a good boy and/or girl all day, the monster grows in power when you do something naughty. You must then before bed eat all your dinner ( including the vegetables ), have a shower OR bath and brush your teeth ( these steps can be changed in order with your parent’s permission, but all of them must be completed ). Once you have completed all of these steps, it will be time for you to get into your pyjamas and go to bed, it is CRUCIAL that you listen to your parent’s instructions and go to bed in an easy and timely manner. Once in bed, you are allowed to have your parents read your bedtime story, this however is optional. Once you have said goodnight to your parents and you are alone in your room, you must go to sleep promptly, you may have your nightlight on during this process if it aids you in this process. If you wake up in the night you must follow these steps EXACTLY, first of all, you must ensure your nightlight is turned on, once the nightlight is on you must clutch your stuffed toy in your LEFT hand ( if you clutch it in your right hand it will be ineffective ) and say out loud this phrase “I am not afraid of you monster, and you should go away and never come back”. If you look under your bed the monster should have disappeared.

If you have followed these steps effectively, you will have warded away the monster forever, and have done a great service for your country.

Congratulations, we all thank you for your service.

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