I never thought I was in an abusive relationship. I thought my fiancée was thoughtful and caring when he told me he needed to know where I was and who I was with at all times. I made sure I was home in the evenings at the time he designated in case he wanted to call me and ensure I was OK. It was a sweet expression of love, I repeated over and over to myself. I chalked up his marathon bad moods up to work stress and me accidentally “pushing his buttons.” I thought giving him the money I earned made sense because he had a checking account, and I didn’t. I ignored, or tried to anyway, the way his expression would start to turn dark—even his eyes seemed darker, when we were out with others. He would get quiet and when he took my hand, it wasn’t the gentle touch I used to remember, it was like being herded by a stranger. “Just remember,” he told me once, “After we are married and you get pregnant, I’m going to ask you one question–is it mine, and I expect you to prove to me that it is.”
I never thought I was in an abusive relationship until he started to hit me and told me it was my fault. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, but my actions left him no choice. And he did hurt me, over and over again. Near the end, I remember being struck so hard I was knocked to the floor–the old wire curlers that I had in my hair scattered across the floor. I was down by his feet. I looked up at him, towering over me with his hands on his hips daring me to get up, and I realized at that moment that if I married him, this would be a regular view for me.
His violence toward me was aided by my lack of self esteem and fear of being alone. The constant comparisons to my “golden child” sister convinced me that I was stupid and that made me lesser of a person. “You can’t take French,” I was told. “Your sister took German. You won’t understand French and she won’t be able to help you–what are you thinking.?” Over and over I heard, “You want to be a writer? That’s just plain stupid and that’s not even a real job. Do you even have a brain in your head?” Each statement made me lesser of a person–more invisible, more dismissed. I must be stupid, who would want me? Over time, I convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of respect, kindness, inclusion, nice things or even simple things like a birthday cake. My fiancée may have swung his fists, but it was how I viewed myself that landed the blows.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and anyone who can relate to the beginning of this story needs to find out how to get help. Domestic Violence dates back to the beginning of history when women were treated like property and yet, it wasn’t until 1987 that a national toll-free hotline was launched for victims of abuse to reach out and get help. Why? Because violence against women was widely accepted in many parts of the country and society. Generations of women grew up with it and sent the message to their daughters that violence against them must be their fault.
In 2010, Dr. Phil, the popular daytime TV therapist and and his wife, Robin McGraw, used their television platform to start the “End The Silence on Domestic Violence” campaign that drew back the black curtain shielding this behavior. The purpose was to raise awareness about the many forms of Domestic Violence and educate people on how to address and escape it. You may or may not be a Dr. Phil fan, but the fact is that he and his wife have done more to combat domestic violence than many of our law makers.
In July 2011, Dr. Phil spoke before the Senate Judiciary Committee regarding the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). The VAWA provides support for community organizations working to end domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault and stalking. In his testimony, he said, “Every 15 seconds, a woman is abused in this country.” He called for “zero tolerance for violence against women,” and helped develop school programs targeted at elementary school aged boys to stop the cycle of abuse and use of physical power and force over girls (and ultimately, women,) at an early age. The VAWA, in part, was struck down in 2000 by the Supreme Court, when it ruled that allowing victims of gender-based violence to sue their attackers in federal court, exceeded the authority of Congress (who passed the act,) under the Commerce Clause and the Fourteenth Amendment.
Please don’t be like I was and many women still are and think that control over your time, your ideas and opinions, your money and your body is “a sweet expression of love.” Don’t be dismissed. Don’t be invisible. Don’t be used. If you experience any of the following feelings or behaviors, quietly explore your options. Use the resources that are available to you.
- A feeling of dread when your partner is due to be in the home.
- You stop eating, taking meds or sleeping properly.
- You stop going out to see family or friends to avoid arguments at home.
- You stop having your own opinions and agree with your partner at all times.
- You feel like you are walking on eggshells.
- You worry that certain actions or words will provoke your partner into violence
- You fear your partner because you know how to predict their behavior.
- You take “responsibility” for “pushing his buttons.”
There are four basic types of domestic abuse: physical or sexual, financial or economic, harassment and stalking.
For help with a domestic abuse situation, call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233. The hotline provides tools and support to domestic violence victims.
Domestic abuse changes who you are. Sometimes it isn’t fists, it’s words. It’s being emotionally isolated–being invisible in a group of people. People who are supposed to love you are doing it to you. You will wonder why no one stood up for you and that will make you angry. You will have flashback long after you get help. You will wonder why people tell you that you should “get over it,” because you never will. To them it’s ancient history–to you, it’s a deep emotional wound. You will wonder why you didn’t see the signs of abuse–that old feeling of being stupid will creep back in. You are not stupid. Please seek long term help.
Love shouldn’t hurt—if it does, it’s not love, it’s abuse
